What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
07.06.2025 23:58
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Why are Americans obese? Is it the food or is it the psychology?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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I waited trembling.
My life is so biszare .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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She wouldn,t have been !
She found it foreign!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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We all went to grammer schools
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
How can I get over a break up?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Do Republicans want to ban books and decide what your kids can and can’t read?
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We were not on the streets..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
This is soul school!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Comes on , in middle age.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Ive learnt so much.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And i lived it daily.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I don,t even have a pension.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
When she asked me how she looked .
I have no regrets .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was scared of men, in general
I was seconnd youngest,
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
All the time i was locked up.
What did i know ?
I was 9 years of age.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She loved him until the end.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Especially a lifetime of it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Why did i forgive my father ?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Who then, do I blame.?
I couldn’t, believe it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She married twice! .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I think the readers, may guess!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I will be 64.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But it wasn’t much.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
It was going to be , some day.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Put me off passion for life!!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was in good health!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Would this be the day?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was very sick at this time too.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I said to her
I could never make a relationship work though!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I write beautiful poetry .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
So whats the point in blame.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So, i spoilt her more .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My family never makes their pension either.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But, we were locked up after school.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He knew the spot.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One cannot live in the past .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im still living with it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.